James Rhodes is an unlikely ambassador for classical music. The renowned concert pianist is a down-to-earth, self-deprecating figure, who has also written a number of best-selling books. Two of them – Instrumental and, most recently, Fire on All Sides – are autobiographical and discuss difficult themes like depression, anxiety and stress. Fire on All Sides was written while he was touring and feeling lonely.
James Rhodes (English accent): The first book, Instrumental, I guess, is about who I am, but this one is more about ‘how’ I am. How maybe we all are. I hope it’s not just me. All I’ve ever wanted to do when I write is to be transparent about how I feel and to talk about music, as well. So I wanted to do that. And it’s difficult because, when you talk about yourself in a way that’s transparent and honest, sometimes, you look like a bit of a freak6, but I think a lot of us have similar feelings. We often feel anxious or we feel alone, even if we’re in a big crowd of people. And we feel like we don’t have the rule book on how to live life and so I’m hoping people who read this will think, “Me, too,” and we can feel a little more united.
UNIVERSAL TRAUMA
Rhodes’ life had a horrific start when he was subjected to sexual abuse for years from the age of six. He suffered serious mental health issues and, for a while, was institutionalised. What saved him, he says, was music. And more specifically, classical music. While his own personal experience was devastating, he believes that suffering is universal.
James Rhodes: All of us, we all go through trauma to some extent. It’s the human condition, it’s universal and I think it’s a mistake to try and quantify trauma. So, if a pet dies when you were young, being raped, your parents divorcing… Trauma is trauma and, whatever it happens to be, we all experience it. So, yes, Instrumental talks about rape and self-harm, because that’s my experience. But I think it’s all still part of the human condition. We all feel anxious. And I know that because I feel as anxious when I played at the Palau de la Música for 2,500 people. I felt as anxious then as I did when I worked in Burger King. Literally, it was the same kind of fear. “Am I going to be good enough? Are people going to like me?” I mean, all the normal, boring shit that we all feel, maybe. Like when we’re at a party and we think, “I really shouldn’t be here and I want to hide in the kitchen and I wish people would talk to me.” Whereas, actually, most of the people at the party are feeling the same way, but we tend to think it’s just us.
UNEXPECTED KINDNESS
Writing has been a cathartic experience for Rhodes. The reaction provoked by his books was a great surprise to him.
James Rhodes: There’s something amazing about writing down the things you’re most ashamed of and you most hate about yourself. And then people read it and, instead of saying, “You’re an asshole, I don’t ever want to speak to you again,” they actually treat you with kindness.
LIVING THROUGH LAUGHTER
Besides compassion, a sense of humour has also helped him through difficult times.
James Rhodes: We have to be able to laugh at things. We have to. Even the really dark things. Otherwise I don’t think I would be able to get out of bed in the morning, unless we can find the humour in things. So yes, there are serious subjects in all the books I’ve written, apart from How to Play the Piano. There should still be humour. I mean, it’s not intentional, I don’t try and be funny, but sometimes the things I say and the way I act seem to be so ridiculous that I have to laugh at it. I think there was a section in Instrumental when I tried to kill myself in a psychiatric ward and it ended up, looking back, a few years later, it was just the funniest thing. It was so ridiculous and it was so stupid that I had to end up laughing at it, even though, at the time, I was genuinely trying to die. So I think it’s important to laugh at things.
NEW VIEW ON CLASSICS
Rhodes now lives in Spain. He hosts a regular radio show and tours the world with his concerts. Slowly, he is changing people’s perception of classical music.
James Rhodes: Why should you wear a fucking tie to go to a concert? I mean, you’re not going to church, but it feels like you are sometimes. You can’t make any noise and you have to wear the right clothes and you have to know when to clap. None of that is important.
GOOD WITH THE BAD
While he finds himself in a good place mentally, he is still cautious in his approach towards life.
James Rhodes: I can’t allow myself to become complacent, think that everything finally is OK, because my experience of life, sadly, is that it’s not like that, and a few things could happen in a very short period of time and I do think my world would completely implode. And so I have to be really careful. And, yes, of course, things are better now than they’ve ever been. A big part of that is because I’m living here, in Spain. I genuinely feel like, for the first time in my life, I have a home. Even when I lived in England, it didn’t feel like home. On a bad day, I want to throw myself in front of a fucking train. So, yes, there has been a change and it is for the better, but it’s not guaranteed. I have good days and I have bad days, but I do have more good days than bad days now.